So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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