Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
