So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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