Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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