I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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