mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
