Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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