dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
