how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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