My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
