Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Send help, water and tortillas.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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