Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
