Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
