Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
