Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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