There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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