I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
