The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
