I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
