tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
