She's JV to your varsity
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
my being single is dangerous.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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