I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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