please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
