jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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