dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
