if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
