textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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