they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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