im drinking this country out of the recession.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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