They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
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i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
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Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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