i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful