Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
