i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
