i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
