im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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