i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
