my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
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