I think I won the penis lottery.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I wish life had little blips of pornography
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
