I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
