She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize