I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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