I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Randomize
