Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
