So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
