Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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