One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
