God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
