i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Randomize
