I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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