I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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