I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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