I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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