Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
