U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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