I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
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Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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