it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I accidentally burped into my bong.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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